Thoughts for Parents of Transgender children
I had posted before about some ideas of how to come out to family, and I recently had the opportunity to be the guest speaker at a support group for parents of transgender children (part of New York City PFLAG). The following is a handout I used. They are mostly talking points, but I think they can still be useful, so I’m posting them here. Note that it is aimed at parents that have been newly-come-out to by mostly teenage and older children.
Thoughts on Parents coping with Transgender children
- Keep the long term goal in mind in all communications
The long term goal is maintaining a relationship with your child.
- Allow yourself time to process your feelings.
There can be pressure for immediate acceptance.
You are entitled to all your feelings about the situation.
Your child has had much more time to think about this and accept it than you have.
Listening: Don’t interrupt, don’t tune out, and don’t plan what you will say next, make eye contact, pay attention to the speakers feelings, before you give your opinion reflect back what you are heard in a non-judgmental way so that the speaker knows they have been heard or ask for clarification if you didn’t understand something.
Speaking: If you’re too angry or upset take a 20 min. break. Try to avoid blaming, ultimatums, attacking, insults, large proclamations or hurtful speech. Say what you feel clearly, don’t assume people know. (people are not mind readers). Say what you feel rather than acting it out, ex: “I’m confused and angry…”
Say where you are, example: “I don’t completely understand it but I’m listening and working on it”
Don’t triangulate; focus on you and your child not other people.
Don’t shut down communications or avoid your child
- Telling Other family/friends
This is often the largest fear.
Let it happen when you’re ready.
Let others have their own feelings and reactions about it, don’t try and dictate.
- Understanding and reframing
Educate yourself about transgenderism.
This is an opportunity for a more authentic relationship with your child.
Find out about Psychotherapy when dealing with Gender variance in yourself or someone close to you.
i would just like to say to all those parents with trans kids , well done very very good parenting you hav saved your child years of torment just by hereing there pain and doing something about it , i just wish i had parents like you ,but i do have an amazing partner who has stood by me and an amazing daughter who is also by my side and takes great pleasure in boasting what an amazing job she has done in teachng me what i know, tell your kids it is all worth it when they reach the end of there journey and be very proud of facing who they are my daughter said to me , janice , people who matter dont mind , and people who mind dont matter.. be happy always love janie fea scotland xx