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Apr 20

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Understanding Gender Dysphoria

While there are many social implications related to gender dysphoria that I’ve written about and will write about in the future this post focuses on the inner experience of gender dysphoria.

Gender Dysphoria is a fundamental unease and dissatisfaction with the biological sex one is born with (one’s body) which results in anxiety, depression, restlessness, and other symptoms.  The dysphoria often acts as a catalyst to change one’s body and gender expression (how one presents to the world) to be more in keeping with what is felt to be one’s gender identity (the gender that one feels oneself to be).

In simpler terms this means that natal (biological) males, who are gender dysphoric have unease, dissatisfaction and even disgust with their male genitals, body hair, angularity, facial hair, musculature and any other attributes that one typically identifies with “maleness”.  Natal females who are gender dysphoric can have similar feelings with developing breasts, fuller hips, long hair, menstruation and other attributes that are associates with femaleness.

The time of adolescence when sex changes become more pronounced is understandably a very difficult time for many transgender individuals.  Puberty blocking interventions are now becoming more common in dealing with this.

It can be difficult for people to express how one feels about one’s body, in part because people with gender dysphoria often wish to avoid of the whole subject.  I’ve heard many variations of “it just feels wrong” or “I don’t like it”.   The following is an excerpt from Dear Sir or Madam: The Autobiography of a Female-to-Male Transsexual (1996) by Mark Rees:

 One of the great battles was of The Bra.  I angrily spurned the bra which my mother bought me when I was fourteen.  To have worn it would be not only accepting my femininity, but accentuating it.  I could do neither.

I’ve seen that transgender individuals vary in the degree to which they are disturbed by their male or female organs.  Some will be extremely avoidant of them; not looking in a mirror, not going to the doctor, not going to the beach or pool so as to avoid putting on a bathing suit and not have sexual partners, etc.  Others can engage in these activities to some extent but may still feel uncomfortable.

For many transgender individuals being transgender is not just about wanting to live in the social role of the other gender (to some degree), but it’s also about a fundamental dissatisfaction with one’s body.

Find out about Psychotherapy when dealing with Gender variance in yourself or someone close to you. email: info@amikaplan.net

Apr 10

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Book Review: “Helping Your Transgender Teen: A Guide for Parents”

Irwin Krieger, a Connecticut Psychotherapist and gender specialist has written a 75 page guide for parents of trans teens (2011, Genderwise Press, New Haven, CT. ISBN: 069201229X).
The book provides a good “lay of the land” for parents who have little information about what it means to have a transgender child. It includes a glossary of terms, a primer on gender and sexuality, and a fairly detailed roadmap for what to expect should the teen decide to transition.

It is particularly strong in articulating the tensions that can arise between an impatient teen and a cautious parent who is trying to “come up to speed”. Other helpful areas are sample letters to extended family members explaining the situation, thoughts on what to expect when a teen transitions at school and a discussion of the typical fears a parent may have.

There are few minor points with which I took issue – namely a tendency (not just here but in a good deal of transgender literature) to paint the (FTM) female to male transgender child’s experience as somehow “easier” and Krieger’s describing a teen’s coming out as gay as often being a “transitional identity” to what may later be a “straight” identity. This may overlook the strong “queer” identity that many young people lay claim to before, during and even after transition.

These points aside, “Helping Your Transgender Teen” is sure to do just that for a good many parents who will be reassured and educated by this book.

Apr 2

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Thoughts for Parents of Transgender children

I had posted before about some ideas of how to come out to family, and I recently had the opportunity to be the guest speaker at a support group for parents of transgender children (part of New York City PFLAG). The following is a handout I used.  They are mostly talking points, but I think they can still be useful, so I’m posting them here.  Note that it is aimed at parents that have been newly-come-out to by mostly teenage and older children.

Thoughts on Parents coping with Transgender children


  • Keep the long term goal in mind in all communications

The long term goal is maintaining a relationship with your child.

 

  • Allow yourself time to process your feelings.

There can be pressure for immediate acceptance.
You are entitled to all your feelings about the situation.
Your child has had much more time to think about this and accept it than you have.

 

  • Communication

Listening: Don’t interrupt, don’t tune out, and don’t plan what you will say next, make eye contact, pay attention to the speakers feelings, before you give your opinion reflect back what you are heard in a non-judgmental way so that the speaker knows they have been heard or ask for clarification if you didn’t understand something.

Speaking: If you’re too angry or upset take a 20 min. break. Try to avoid blaming, ultimatums, attacking, insults, large proclamations or hurtful speech. Say what you feel clearly, don’t assume people know. (people are not mind readers). Say what you feel rather than acting it out, ex: “I’m confused and angry…”
Say where you are, example: “I don’t completely understand it but I’m listening and working on it”
Don’t triangulate; focus on you and your child not other people.
Don’t shut down communications or avoid your child

 

  • Telling Other family/friends

This is often the largest fear.
Let it happen when you’re ready.
Let others have their own feelings and reactions about it, don’t try and dictate.

 

  • Understanding and reframing

Educate yourself about transgenderism.
This is an opportunity for a more authentic relationship with your child.

 

Find out about Psychotherapy when dealing with Gender variance in yourself or someone close to you.

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